To be honest, I’ve remained very hesitant in recent times to write anything regarding Simmons because A) more cyber-ink has been spilled in discussing the Sports Guy in recent years than oil from the Exxon Valdez, B) I gave up nit-picking at millionaires for Lent, and C) there is some small part of me that still remembers just how much I used to enjoy his writing and our minor back-and-forth correspondences back in his Digital City days. Today, however, I’m breaking that self-imposed seal and you have ex-Globe beat writer Peter May to thank for it.

In case you missed it over the weekend, Peter May wrote what my esteemed colleague Jon Duke described as an “eighth grade essay” endorsing Simmons for the open job of general manager for the Los Angeles Clippers. To be fair to May, the article was more of a lazy hatchet job on Donald Sterling than it was a ringing endorsement of Simmons for the job. Nonetheless, there Peter May was, actually putting into words that the Clippers should consider Simmons for the GM opening.

Now, it’s one thing to have teenaged fanboys who worship at the altar of the Sports Guy sending in a relentless stream of earnest e-mails to the Minnesota Timberwolves begging them to give poor Billy a shot. It’s quite another when you have a crusty veteran of the mainstream media giving the notion some actual credibility. This is not to say that the idea of hiring Simmons wouldn’t have some potential upside.

For a period of time, because Bill is easily the most polarizing sportswriter in America, you can see how his presence in an actual NBA front office chair might draw a crowd. Half the crowd would consist of his army of cheering young minions who consider Simmons to be their irreverent and wildly successful hero. The other half, who despise him, would watch with great interest because they want to see him fail, and on the largest stage imaginable. If Bill happened to fail as a GM, he’d lose all credibility as the basketball savant he claims to be and this would serve as the ultimate vindication to the haters. Ah, the drama.

Of course, drama is a pretty horrendous reason to hire someone as a general manager, even for a team with a legacy of bad choices like the Clippers. In fact, hiring Simmons in that position would be just plain wrong on so many levels. I’ll even go so far as break down those levels of wrongness for you, Dr. Jack –style:

First of all, hiring Simmons - or anyone, really - as a publicity stunt to generate short-term buzz would specifically be crass, cynical and flat-out insulting to fans that actually care about the game. Why? Because he’s not qualified. Let me repeat that, because it’s a very important point in the discussion: Bill Simmons is not qualified to run an NBA franchise.

Watching a ton of games on TV and writing 5,000 word rudderless columns about them, or 900 page books about the league in general do not serve as merits to establish a candidate as qualified to be an NBA general manager. Here are some of the aspects of the job that do: Negotiating player contracts. Performing global scouting. Fielding trade offers from other teams (or originating them). Handling the media. Managing a large organizational infrastructure.  Doing all of these things within the financial constraints as defined by ownership, which is not always to the benefit of the product on the floor, and accepting the reality of those constraints without making public complaint. Does Bill have any relevant experience in these areas? He does not. Hell, he can’t even keep his seemingly constant gripes with his ESPN editors to himself (more on this in a bit).

Now understand, if Bill wanted to take a break from being the most famous sports writer in the country to become part of an NBA organization, to learn the ropes and work his way up the ladder to eventually become the General Manager, then I’d actually have a ton of respect for that. It would also be the first shred of humility that he’s shown in a long time. But that’s not how Bill rolls. That working-your-way-up and learning-the-job stuff is for chumps. He’ll take the top job and figure it all out once he gets there. And he’d be a huge success. Just ask Bill.

Then again, inexperience isn’t the only issue that negates Simmons as a viable candidate for any GM position. Just as important is his inability to receive criticism without firing back with guns ablaze.

Forget the fact that Simmons has alienated the majority of NBA front offices with his constant know-it-all ridicule routine, which would likely render him less-than-effective as a GM on Day One. Forget also about all the times that Bill has aired his grievances against ESPN for the enjoyment of all to read. That’s a separate issue of unprofessionalism and insubordination that deserves its own column at some point.

More significant is how often Simmons has engaged in public rock fights with his critics. The recent spat with Keith Olbermann serves as the latest example of this, but Twitter in general has revealed Simmons to be overly-sensitive, thinner-skinned than a baby salamander, petty, vindictive and prone to over-the-top personal attacks and emotional outbursts that would embarrass a teenaged girl.

For a guy who ardently wishes to be the primary decision maker of an NBA team (on basketball-related matters) and thus represent the face of said team to the media and general public, Simmons has demonstrated zero ability to handle criticism and second-guessing without throwing a prolonged ten-decibel hissy fit.

I mean, can’t you just see the standard irate Simmons responses after the first negative opinion?

Really? You think I shouldn’t have traded for Anthony Parker? Right. This from a guy who once slept with Kirstie Alley during one of her fat phases….Nice career you have there at the newspaper. Maybe the telegraph company will have some job openings soon…If I was still writing, I’d have more readers during a nuclear winter than you’ve had on your best day…I’m pretty sure you could fit all of your meager writing talent inside Tori Spelling’s larger nostril. Donna Martin Graduates, Bitch!!!

At this point, I’m going to wrap this thing up before some misplaced “Teen Wolf” references find their way into the column. I’ll leave you with this:

When I was kid, people used to call the Cleveland Cavaliers the “Cadavers” because they were so historically inept. Back then, it was difficult to envision the Cavaliers as a franchise to be taken seriously. Now look at them. It’s not rocket science what happened. When they became good, everyone forgot about that cadaver business. That franchise reputation is nothing more than a historical footnote now.

It’s obvious that actually fielding a contending team is by far the better way to get people to talking about your franchise, buying tickets to your games and getting those games on national TV than allowing the likes of Simmons to use you as the source of his latest “life experience” book subject in exchange for some shameless publicity.